Day 1

Hey,

This is a blog about my experiences with BiPolar disorder.

At times, it (my blog) is intentionally disorientating. I want to reflect in my writing the nature of the disorder I experience. The natural order that causes me to get to a point, a moment, where I reorder. I have chosen before to reorientate, and will time, and time again. But it wasn’t always a choice. At times, I was guided.

Day 1.

There is disorienting and reorienting. I’ve done both.

This blog is going to be about my experiences as an identifying – man, with bipolar. I could be a white man, but in reality, I’m made up of more yellows and reds than I am white. That’d be like putting a rainbow into a blender. I could chug it every day. I mean, if I wanted to reflect, in a white kind of way.

I don’t know.

This whole process of starting a blog about my struggles & grapples with mental wellness is disorienting. So let’s discuss… the form… well, not discuss, i mean, maybe…

You’re probably thinking about something right now, at the same time, you are reading. Like, what is this guy talking about?

Oh. yeah. Reorientating my brain, or is it reorienting? Remember, I think in the same vein as those identifying as sane.

Current Identity: white, male, happy, healthy, bipolar, sane.

These things are worth unpacking, and by gosh! I might need to unpack all, if not more, to get this out.

Top three things, right now, that bother me about the stigma of BiPolar.

Can’t handle emotions.
Could go crazy.
Don’t let your loved ones trust them.

So to be honest, I cannot say with certainty that these are true on any scale. I mean, most people are hush hush about how they feel about bipolar and other disorders. Not the ones who sympathize, or even empathise with it. It’s those thoughts that are yours, and private, that I wonder about. Kinda creepy I guess, but hey, it’s October. The nights are getting longer, and the home is starting to feel cozier.

In line, starting at number one, I think that I can handle emotions. Think is not a strong enough word. Know is better. Or try two words for size, am certain. I am certain I can handle emotions. I mean, at times I like to put the gutter guards up and just watch the bowling balls that are emotions bounce. But mostly, I’m cool.

If going crazy is disorienting, then going sane would be reorienting. Filtering through those thoughts, that were less than ideal. They led me to places I did not want to be. Not always so dramatic as ending up in Hospital West B.

I’m even talking little things.

But if anyone is qualified, I am. To stay sane that is. I have been on the edge of stuffs in my head that are difficult to explain in a short amount of time. I mean, I’m not a time traveler or anything. That would be cool. I guess I am a time traveler, limited to a certain orientation of time. Like, matter of fact, if I go North, I’ll eventually reach the edge of the world. Just kidding.

Don’t let your loved ones trust me. I mean, if you knew me, you’d know this isn’t true. I don’t like making people feel bad, sometimes to a fault. I guess I just like understanding. I work hard at understanding others, and it may have, at times, seemed a bit desperate. I have blind spots, for sure. But I like to keep those in check too. Even if I don’t know what is in ‘em, I still know where they are.

This might be enough for one day.

“Truth will never perish.”