Okay, this one is hard.
Trigger warning: the topic is self hate.
Such a strong emotion, and towards the person that matters most, oneself. How does it happen? How to get rid of it? Is there any reason why?
The answer to that last question is definitely not. I have been to a mind space that was a place shrouded in gloom. I didn’t know how to get out, and I didn’t think I was worth it. I made a list. A list of people I would leave messages for, after.
How did I get rid of it? I thought of my younger cousin. She was probably seven or eight at the time. I thought about how that might impact her, and even the best case scenario was terrible.
So I shared my plan with my parents and they helped me get help. I have hated myself before. I don’t plan on doing it again.
How does it happen? I’m not entirely sure, but I do know that when it is happening, it can feel like it will never end.
It will get better.
“The wicked will not prosper from good fortune, and the righteous will not suffer without compensation.”
I believe that down to my core.
As privileged as I am, I have suffered, and I have been compensated. That is the currency I am using today by which I share my experience. It is a currency I give away willingly, because I know that there are others who need it more than me.
My hope is that with these posts I can give a moment to someone, a moment where they can go, “ah, I’m not alone.” I am not a clinician. I am not trained in any way. But I can share my experience, and hopefully those seeking kinship, will find this and feel solace.
I thought of my cousin.
I am here now. It did get better.
I always remember those two things: It gets better, and the righteous will not suffer without compensation.
Have a good night.